“I used to feel guilty for enjoying Christmas - it felt like a betrayal.”
Two Christmases, two sets of presents and two servings of turkey. Double everything at Christmas time - it sounds great! In reality, the festive season can tear families of divorce apart. Eve Uncles has always found Christmas a time of mixed emotions ever since her parents divorced when she was 10. “I’ve got to do everything twice. I used to feel guilty for spending time with my Mum and Step-Dad at Christmas and not having that special day with my Dad.” Before the divorce Eve’s Christmas was a delightfully, traditional one, “we’d spend the big day with my Grandparents, Mum, Dad and Sister. We’d eat Christmas lunch, open presents, come home and then play with the day’s spoils!” After her parents split, Christmas - and life changed forever.
“When a divorce gets messy it makes Christmas awkward.”
Now, as a 20-year-old woman, Eve’s Christmas’ are very different. "For the first few years after the divorce we’d spend Christmas at home with Mum and my new Step-Dad. My Dad would try to come round in the morning to have a Christmas breakfast with us but then he’d head off when my Grandparents arrived. The main issue on Christmas Day is who is dropping off and picking up us kids, because it’s Christmas and everyone wants to have a drink!” But since Eve’s father has since moved in with his new partner Christmas has changed yet again, sometimes not getting to see her Dad at all on the day and having to wait till Boxing Day or later.
Christmas, it’s the most wonderful time of the year, (supposedly). Instead of the celebrations bringing families closer together it can do the opposite, leaving parents and children dealing with the crisis of the broken family at Christmas.
“When I was younger it felt like a betrayal, spending time with one parent and not the other”. But as children become young adults their perspective on their parent’s choice to divorce can often change. Time allows them to gain maturity and perspective about the situation, and Eve is a strong believer that ‘time heals all wounds’.
“I sometimes wonder what it would be like if we all had Christmas together, but it’s better this way. My sister and I get to celebrate Christmas twice and both celebrations are unique in their own way. It just makes the day extra special. There’s no point feeling guilty about it, you’ve just got to do what you can and enjoy it.” Eve opens up and says, “I am grateful my parents made the decision to separate and eventually divorce. As a result my upbringing has been a much happier one.”
“Just because your parents might not love each other any more, doesn't mean they don’t love you. If you’re honest about how you feel, then occasions like Christmas don’t need to be awkward.”
Even for happily married couples Christmas has a tendency to bring tensions to a-head, with worries over family dynamics, money being spent to excess and every issue in between, it can push families to breaking point. January is the most common month when people file for divorce, the first Monday back at work after the festive break has been coined ‘D-day’ by solicitors and divorce lawyers across the country. On that Monday alone solicitors expect to see a 25% increase in people filing for divorce. The people of Gloucester know this all too well as almost 10% of Gloucestershire’s population are divorced.
Gloucester based Solicitors Dee and Griffin say their firm definitely sees a rise in people filing for divorce after Christmas. “Divorce is seasonal. People often have the mindset of ‘New Year, new start’. Families tend to stick together for Christmas but then our divorce business rates increase in the New Year’s.”
*Tracy and *Dana are both Mothers of two who have divorced their now ex-husbands. Both women have now moved on to better relationships and are much happier. Tracy got divorced after 3 years of marriage, at the time her eldest was six and the youngest was two-and-a-half. Since they were so young when their parents split, Tracy feels that both her kids are very used to a compartmentalized Christmas. “Because the kids were so young when me and their Dad separated they’re used to it (spending Christmas with their parents separately). I think the kids probably do wish we were still together. But my eldest, she said to me - I may have my Dad’s temper, but I have my Mum’s rational, resolving side. I think the way I’ve handled the divorce and things like Christmas has taught the kids about maturity and relationships.”
For Mother’s it must be incredibly hard to drop your children off to an ex-partners and to spend the magical day away from them. Tracy says, “I am grumpy when I don’t have them at Christmas but because I ended the marriage I feel like I have to be the one to compromise. You just let them (ex-husband) get away with it. I feel like I’m trying to please everyone but myself, which can make the dynamics at Christmas hard.”
Dana’s Christmas experience is a little different. Her divorce happened only a few years ago so everything is still very raw for her. She got divorced after 18 years of marriage when her eldest was 19, and her youngest was nine.
“My youngest still believes in the fairy-tale of marriage and thinks Mummy and Daddy should be together.”
“I’ve only been divorced a couple years, this will be my 3rd Christmas not with him (ex-husband). So we are still adjusting.”
It’s difficult for ex-partners who split to have come back together to be civil and come to arrangements regarding their children, especially around the added complications of Christmas. Dana explains, “he (ex-husband) see’s the kids as a possession. He will do the bare minimum. Minimum child support, minimum time. He sees them for precisely 24 hours a week. Even then I had to fight to get him to do that. But you don’t tell the kids that, you can’t slate their Dad in front of them, especially around Christmas time."
With frayed relationships, over-excited children and nosy family members all coming together it’s no wonder Christmas day dinner is a recipe for disaster for some. But how can we solve these complex dynamics, so that we can all enjoy a very merry Christmas?
Jo Parkin is the Chaplain at the University of Gloucestershire. She sees students’ everyday who are struggling with family issues and Christmas is one of her busiest times of the year. Jo teaches students who have divorced parents to “accept what is. It is not your sole responsibility to make anyone’s Christmas. It is not the children’s responsibility to solve everything. Parents have to put their sometimes selfish needs aside and put the children first. At Christmas it is especially important to empathize with others, to put ourselves in their shoes.”
We have compiled five of Jo’s best tips and advice for handling Christmas in a divorced or blended family.
The decision to leave a marriage is not one that is ever taken lightly. Despite the “heartbreak”, a divorce it is a much better option rather than staying in an unhappy or dysfunctional marriage. Reflecting on the trauma of her parents divorce, Eve has gone through the pain of her parents divorce but now, as time has passed and with a positive mindset she believes that the divorce was for the best.
“When my parents told me they were separating I was heartbroken. I was too young to understand why it happened but as I have grown older I’ve come to realise the divorce happened for all the right reasons. I can safely say my parents have given me and my sister the best opportunities to be happy as a result of getting divorced.”
*Names have been changed to protect anonymity.
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By Emma Hillary
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